Important Question from a Reader:

“What Happens When You Say ‘No’ to a Narcissist?”

“My narcissist ex came over my house to get his things and tried to have sex with me.

I said NO! He unleashed his rage by being mean and ignoring me.

Then when all else failed he asked me for some money. I said ‘NO’ again!”

Say 'No'Dear “Valuing Your ‘No!’,”Your “No” is a great narcissist diagnostic. I tell my clients to use their “No!” early in relationships, to actually bring any narcissistic tendencies in the other up, even on a first date.

Narcissism, being a piece of all personality styles, we all have different ways of expressing it, at different levels of significance.

THE KEY for keeping you in healthy relationships and away from unhealthy ones IS IDENTIFYING THE SEVERITY OF THE NARCISSISTIC RESPONSE when it shows up.  (And danger has a different look, depending on the Enneagram style!)

Challenger Type might keep pushing a little longer than your comfort zone rather than simply respecting your boundary when it’s first drawn; OR they might deteriorate into trying to control your every move when they’re around.

Peacemaker Type might just go along with your “No!” on the surface (to “get along”) rather than honestly following through in actual behavior; OR they may deteriorate into passive aggressive stubbornness and denial.

Reformer Type might give you a raised eye-brow and a “Why?” instead of just giving a relaxed and respectful “okay;” OR they may deteriorate into harsh and hypocritical criticism.

Helper Type might guilt trip you a little instead of just hearing you and taking care of their own needs; OR they may deteriorate into full out martyrdom and heartless manipulation.

An Achiever Type might compete with you a little, trying to push you into what he/she thinks is better for the situation rather than honoring your path; OR they may deteriorate into nasty competition and full-out deceit to get what they are going after.

An Individualist Type might whine a little and try to get you to “see” them better instead of appreciating your own authenticity; OR they may deteriorate into complete self-contentedness and moody, irrational “stomping around.”

An Investigator Type might begin to analyze your “No!” and give you a little bit of condescending feedback about it rather fully connecting with you; OR they may shut you out completely and deteriorate into thinking they know best about all things and that your desires are irrelevant.

Loyalist Type might push back with some anxiety about your trustworthiness as you say “No!” rather than staying steady and grounded enough to be okay with that reality; OR they may deteriorate into deep suspicion and paranoia about your unwillingness to conform.

An Enthusiast Type might ignore your needs and just expect you to roll with their adventure and plans rather than appreciating whatever gifts from reality your “No!” offers them; OR they may deteriorate into just abandoning you and fleeing into their own addictions in the face of your “No!”



Here’s an article that expands on that:

Twitter Post

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7 thoughts on “When You Say ‘No’ to a Narcissist…

  1. The problem I have with a narcissist he also has a schizoid diagnoses, is he doesn’t hear ‘no’ I have gently said no, bluntly refused to meet up for a chat, ignored his post & night time visits to my house, blocked him & all of his friends. He has a partner now but still won’t go away. I’m careful not to react, reply or trigger he is very dangerous.
    Mentally ill people by definition are not rational, he hides his illness very well most of the time, I would not have believed this behavior was inside him until I saw him raging and disassociated I dated him only briefly, how long until he stops. He refuses to hear no or accept he is not single anyway.

    1. Hi, Louise! I am so glad you have realized the severity of his problem, and you know what you have to protect yourself from! Because you DO realize that, you will probably get some good coaching to dive deeper into how you ended up picking a narcissist, and you will no doubt take the appropriate precautions, and relax, and go on with your life. It’s the daters who don’t take the signals of mental illness seriously that are in big danger. God bless you on your relational growth journey ahead.

  2. I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I don’t know who you are but definitely you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already 😉 Cheers!

  3. I remain in a relationship with a narcissist it has been almost 5 years. I have left him I have moved suburbs I have moved to a different town. How do I get him to leave forever and not contact me again.

  4. I am an independent contractor who sews piecework. One of my clients is a narcissist. She is very creative and demands perfection in the work we stitchers do. I respect that, but her demands can be very lopsided depending on who she thinks are her “true” friends. She doesn’t know anything about sewing and finds it very difficult to articulate what she wants, so that you go through endless permutations in order to find what she likes. I had originally agreed to do some upholstering for her showroom, but she insists on approving my work before I proceed. I have had many frustrating interactions with her over the last year and have decided not to do the upholstery, as the misery I will go through to get paid will not be worth it. i will be telling her that i will not be doing the job, and I fully expect much hand-wringing, pleading and bribery to get me to change my mind. NOT looking forward to it.

  5. The narcissist would not take no for an answer, he tried to control me by manipulation tactics!
    I closed my door he tried to push it open I was terrified!
    We definitely were not in a romantic relationship, I am a p /a helper ,
    I am a women 5 ft tall small build patient and empathetic
    He blows hot and cold and very dark and manipulative with a highly strung character who said he is very very sensitive?
    Red flags 🚩
    He threatens me with text messages and guilt tricks with blame shifting and lies to cover his tracks of bad behaviour, he crosses all boundaries I have put in place and is a chronic complainer nothing is ever enough !!
    This is very disturbing and upsetting , I have raised my hand 🖐 with word no ,
    He looked rather perplexed 🤔
    Red flags 🚩 again
    Ignore ignore ignore block block block is the only way to escape the abuse from these types
    It is the only way as they will only get worse and abuse more if you stay in contact !
    Completely remove from them it’s never going to get better it gets a whole lot worse if you don’t!
    They may probably attempt to regain contact to feel in control but please don’t it’s not worth feeling bad again and sad again !! They love projecting their pain and make you suffer for that .
    T c

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